Thursday, 16 March 2017

Employee Of The Month

Mr Mason's mad, he found Satan in his Tesco shopping bag,
The Prince of Darkness by the milk and lemonade,
Watch out Beelzebub, that bag will bio-degrade,
Bio-degrade, like a slow motion hand-grenade.

They don't give you club-card points for that,
Not for horns and pitchforks,
You'll be picking bits of plastic up for weeks,
Then you'll really know what hell is.

Mr Mason's mad, milk is curdled, lemonade bad,
Customer Services, you're in for an epic fail,
The devil in a shopping bag can't be explained away,
And you only started in the job yesterday.

They don't give you any training for that,
Not for fire and brimstone,
You'll be on the phone to the helpline for weeks,
Then you'll really know what hell is.

Mr Mason's mad; he'll never shop here again,
Look sonshine don't you know he's fought in ten world-wars,
And as he storms away, shouting out the odds,
You think: Satan isn't the only red-faced bastard in here.

They don't give you any prizes for that,
Not for hue and cry,
Now you'll never be employee of the month,
Then you'll really know what hell is.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

The Fifth Column

It's half-past ten again,
A note pinned to my door,
says "Your species has been destroyed
by a living alien spore".
I thought I'll ring mother an tell her,
but she's gone off with her fella,
They'll be dancing to Cliff Richard,
In a cellar in Landore.

This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
A hundred girls with a hundred guns,
Will fight for you my friend.
This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
There's a million emails across the world,
Which nobody will send.

First they came for Hockney,
Then they came for Gary B,
A thousand grasping tentacles,
Reached out from of the sea.
Some said we should appease them,
some other people teased 'em,
But nobody would say a word,
to the government who released them.

This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
A hundred girls with a hundred guns.
Will fight for you my friend.
This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
There's a million emails across the world,
Which nobody will send.

I flew my flag for glory,
I saluted the Holy See,
I took a million arrows meant for Shiva, not for me.
I showed my real colours,
I think I showed true grit.
I took a number six bus to Chiswick,
And drove off the cliff in it.

This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
A hundred girls with a hundred guns,
Will fight for you my friend.
This is how the end will start,
It's the start of the end.
There's a million emails across the world,
Which nobody will send.